Christian Blogger Believes Female Masturbation Will Open Portal To Hell

Christian Blogger Believes Female Masturbation Will Open Portal To Hell

Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

January 15, 2018 – A popular Christian blogger is sounding the alarm about the dangers of ladies pulling into the self-service station with a bottle of Merlot and some Robin Thicke records. Christian writer, Mack Major, author of articles with titles like “Santa’s a Demon!” and “Satan is Transsexual Too,” is warning women that their idle hands are doing the devil’s work. In a since deleted Facebook post, Major admonished any and all to abstain from self-pleasure, lest there be consequences:

“Many of you who are reading this have sex toys in your possession right now. And whether you want to accept it as fact or not: those sex toys are an open portal between the demonic realm and your own life.”

Twitter, suffice it to say, was not amused, or at least was not deterred judging by the raft of defiant responses to Major’s revelation bubbling up on their timelines – apparently unbothered by the risk of opening a portal to hell.

Major’s own portal, the Christian focused Eden Decoded, boasts videos with evocative titles like “Spirit Wife: When Men Have Sex with Demons” and “Demons are Real.” The ebook author remains committed to spreading the word about the perils of demonic aligned activities, like women touching themselves, and has a severe warning for those women who fall prey to temptation:

“There are such things as sex demons. And the danger in masturbating is that one could inadvertently summon a sex demon to attach itself to you through the act of masturbating. And once that demon attaches, it is difficult to get it to leave.”

These types of unwelcomed houseguests are damned hard to get rid of and Major only wants to protect women from Satan’s minions who seek to “torment you, hinder and destroy certain parts of your life as it relates to sex and your relationships.”

Is this righteous rebuke enough to keep your vajayjays inviolate and sanctified or is eternal hellfire a small price to pay for a good self-love session? Funny or Offensive? Cast your vote, heathens.

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