“Imagine the essence of a woman in one bottle of beer…”
August 31st, 2018 – Maybe “location, location, location” isn’t just a motto for the real estate industry but also for brewing beer. The Order of Yoni, a beer manufacturer in Poland, certainly is giving that marketing tactic a try as they pitch their beers made of bacteria from a model’s vagina.
In the fall of 2017, the company launched their new beer, “Bottled Instinct,” which is described as “the first beer with vaginal lactic acid in the world.” Each label has the Yoni symbol, a silhouette of a woman, and the name of the model whose “essence” they bottled up along with the year she made her contribution.
“Imagine woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion…” copy on their website reads. “Try how she tastes, feel her smell, hear her voice… Now imagine her giving you a passionate massage and gently whispering anything you’d like to hear. Now free your fantasies and imagine all of that can be closed in a bottle of beer. A golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with wild instincts. Imagine a beer which every sip offers a rendez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kisses you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for such a beer?”
Drinkers can peel back the label to find photos of the model who helped craft the brew, along with a drawing of the best sex position to use while drinking the beer.
“You drink the essence of Monique,” one label explains.
When you get past the photos showing lace, red panties hanging over the bottles, and once you’ve read The Order of Yoni describe their sour ale as “essentially full of femininity, sensuality, charm, passion and sexuality,” you get to the more boring details. And you’re probably not really in the mood anymore.
The company’s FAQ tab throws out all the science-y words they were hoping you’d gloss over in exchange for red, lace panties. But “DNA,” “RNA,” “lyophilized bacteria,” and “lactobacillus bacteria” all make their appearance. Various species of lactobacillus are commonly used during the production of sour milks, cheeses, and yogurt, so it’s not a far stretch to think that they could be used in beer fermentation.
But, sure, when it’s worded that you’re drinking the “essence” of Monique, and Monique is a very attractive woman, it could help sales. Yoni also ensures that they will continue to use beautiful, intelligent women, and that those women sign a contract that states they will be subject to a “high penalty for working in adult industry, sex industry, as adult actress, escort, prostitute, etc.”
So, bottoms up to bottling Monique. We’re almost certain it wouldn’t be anybody else. There’s probably only a 5% chance that they actually bottled your great-aunt Glenny.