Cereal Masturbators, Beware!
March 22nd, 2018 – For this week’s throwback Thursday, we’re going to toss it way back to the late 1800s. This was a time when the Seventh-day Adventist church was growing in America as they shared a faith that believed one’s physical and dietary purity helped secure a spiritual purity. Founders Ellen and James White believed that followers should adhere to a grain and vegetarian diet thereby eliminating the option of meal prepping with spicy Mongolian beef, a side of pickled onions, and a pint of beer.
In 1856, John Harvey Kellogg and his family moved to Battle Creek Michigan to be close to the growing Adventist movement. The Whites took Kellogg, who was around 13-years-old at the time, under their wing, and he eventually ran the Battle Creek Sanitarium medical center. As a doctor he treated those in need while keeping his eye on the prize: stopping people from masturbating.
Sex in general was a major nemesis to Kellogg. He never slept with his wife, authored books on the detrimental effects of sex, and he absolutely, 100%, make no mistakes about it hated masturbation.
“If illicit commerce of the sexes is a heinous sin, self-pollution is a crime doubly abominable,” he wrote.
Yes, in the eyes of Dr. Spoilsport, self-pollution lead to “impotence, urinary diseases, insanity, poor posture, acne, bashfulness, fickleness, and blindness” among 31 additional symptoms.
Kellogg and his younger brother, Will, worked on a number of breakfast innovations in an attempt to make meals more convenient for those with busy schedules and more bland for those tempted to self-pollute. One such option was an enema machine that used both water and a pint of yogurt – sent through both your mouth and your anus. We apologize if you just got home from the grocery store with a bag full of Yoplait.
The enema machine didn’t take off, but what would become known as granola and Corn Flakes did. The only thing is, the elder Kellogg sibling wanted the cereal to be easily digestible and bland as to not cause any type of arousal. He came up with a baking process he coined “dextrinization,” which meant he baked the dough at an extremely high degree in order to break down starch.
As the years went by, Will became more frustrated with his older brother who refused to let him add anything to the wheat flakes to make them more appetizing. Facing the potential for impotence, acne, and bashfulness square in the eye, he left the Battle Creek Sanitarium and founded a company that would bring sugar and salt to your breakfast flakes.
Will went on to form the Kellogg Company, which now manufactures such flavor-filled cereals as Froot Loops, Apple Jacks and Frosted Flakes. John Harvey Kellogg remained devoted to his faith and his quest to end masturbation – living to the age of 91 and obviously adopting all eight of his children.
Did you know about the true motivation behind Corn Flakes? Will this info affect your cereal choice or your views on “self-polluting?”