July 17th, 2018 – Bruce Willis was the latest burn victim as Comedy Central rounded up a ragtag group of comedians, athletes and actors to roast the action star. While the general viewing public will have to wait until July 29th to hear all of the jokes, the best of the best have already made their way out into the world.
Looper co-star Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who served as roast master for the evening, kicked off the night by reminding the audience that Willis has quite a range as an actor. As he put, the 63-year-old thespian can play anyone – “from an asshole cop to an asshole ex-cop.”
Gordon-Levitt wasn’t the only one dinging Willis’ acting chops. Jeff Ross, Edward Norton, Cybill Shepherd, Nikki Glaser, Dennis Rodman, and Martha Stewart all grilled him over his chosen roles, his diva-like attitude on sets, and his romantic relationships over the years.
One romantic relationship even showed up on stage to do the roasting. Ex-wife Demi Moore drove home a few zingers after Gordon-Levitt reminded everyone who Moore turned to after her divorce.
“We want you to have a good time tonight,” he told Willis. But don’t get too comfortable up here, because later we’re going to be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.”
As with every roast, the guest of honor had his moment to return fire, and nobody was safe from a good razzing even with Willis being the main target.
Take a look at 15 of the most brutal jokes from the roast!
“I can’t wait to see your next project, ‘Die Hard 6: Natural Causes.” – Jeff Ross
“Kevin Pollak does an amazing Robin Williams, I just wish he’d finish it. I mean, we’ve lost a lot of great ones to suicide, it’s time we lost some OK ones.” – Nikki Glaser
“You may wonder how Bruce stays so fit. It’s by throwing up after eating at Planet Hollywood. Anthony Bourdain ate there once and said it was one of the saddest times of his life. He was supposed to be here today, but he canceled.” – Jeff Ross
“I look at our marriage like ‘The Sixth Sense.’ You were dead the whole time.” – Demi Moore
“I met Rumor (Willis and Moore’s daughter). I guess that’s the name you give when you’re not 100 percent sure who the dad is.” – Jeff Ross
“Martha Stewart, congratulations for getting that Thai soccer team out of your vagina and into your sweat shops.” – Nikki Glaser
“Bruce Willis is what you get if you drain the white part of Dwayne Johnson.” – Joseph Gordon-Levitt
“You keep making these bomb movies. But guess what? So does Kim Jong Un. But at least Kim is smart enough not to release his.” – Dennis Rodman to Bruce
“Ed, The first rule of Fight Club is to mention it at every audition. You were so good in American History X. If you made that movie today, you’d not only get an Oscar, you’d get a cabinet position in the White House.” – Cybill Shepherd
“Bruce, you look like Elmer Fudd if he’d hunted shitty scripts instead of wascally wabbits.” – Jeff Ross
“Bruce and I live in the same town of Bedford. He has a beautiful house and the interior design is amazing. He wanted everything inside to look mid-century modern, except his new wife.” – Martha Stewart
“Ed Norton used to run around back in the day with Courtney Love. Perhaps I should say that in a more respectful way. Ed Norton has AIDS.” – Kevin Pollak”
“This is a real personal moment for me, to be here roasting my dead cousin’s second-favorite action star. You had an amazing action film career until Jason Statham started balding.” – Nikki Glaser
“I was Bruce’s wife for the first three Die Hard movies. Which explains why the last two sucked.” – Demi Moore
“Joseph played a younger me in ‘Looper.’ He couldn’t pull it off. There is one actor who successfully played me. It was Demi Moore.” – Bruce Willis
How did the Bruce Willis roast compare to other ones Comedy Central has done in the past? Were the jokes Funny or Offensive?